Pastor sexed with Drunk Mom, Sober Goat

By MORTZ C. ORTIGOZA

Political satires have been written on news magazines, newspapers, and others. Some of them became viral. But one of them, for me, was a standout. It was the satire of smut magazine Hustler publisher Larry Flynt posting on his prurience catering mags Baptist Reverend Jerry Falwell having sex with his drunk mother and a female goat in a barn on the putative Camparari ads “You’ll Never Forget about your First Time.
An enraged Falwell sued Flynt with libel and millions of dollars moral damages. The case, Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46 (1988), was not only dismissed by the U.S Supreme Court but became bedrock of jurisprudence on Freedom of Expression that legal practitioners and scholars in democratic countries like the Philippines zealously quote.
Here’s my attempt on satire and not necessarily my bet for a Supreme Court’s libel suit classic jurisprudence since my editor and I have been wary of libel charge that hits us in this paper years ago. You can accessed that satire news entitled
" AQUINO RESIGNS, BINAY ASSUMES PHILIPPINE PRESIDENCY
God Saves the Filipinos" at http://wwwmortzcortigoza.blogspot.com/2015/02/binay-assumes-ph-presidency-aquino.html.

Q & A: The interview of Republican Attack Dog Southern Baptist Minister Jerry Falwell
on his purportedly, er, parody coitus with his drunk mom and the defenseless
goat inside their barn in the U.S.

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Here's a broadcaster (a pastor who accidentally became a radio commentator of a religious station) who asked the mayor of a city why the hizzoner practiced double standard on filling a corruption cases against the city treasurer, cashier, and a clerk who were found to have Prima Facie (Latin words “on the first appearance”) on the cases they allegedly committed.

“Bakit niyo kinasuhan iyong tatlo ng Anti-Graft & Corrupt Practices, bakit si Prima Facie hindi niyo kinasuhan – ano ba ang meron kay Prima Facie at hindi magalaw-galaw, mayor?” he exasperatedly posed in a press conference in San Carlos City.
Of the 30 media men who were at that conference, only three chuckled. The rest were probably as “stupid” as the broadcaster, they thought Prima Facie or Prima Fa-Sy was the older brother of Northern Times publisher Lelia Sy.
Could you still remember a lady radio commentator explaining in his program that those suspected John Doe and Jane Doe who escaped the police dragnet were probably sibling or cousins because of their similar surnames?
The Americans have a quipped for all of those boo-boos: “I’ll be damned!”
***

Ito po ang interbyu ko sa isang Superintendent ng Department of Education na may hawak ng almost 10, 000 teachers sa kanyang jurisdiction.

Kasama ko si namayapang Max na reporter ng radio na ganito ang kinahahantungan ng interbyu namin sa nasabing DepEd’s bigwig:

MORTZ:  Maam, ano na ang pinagkaka-abalahan ng DepEd ninyo ngayong pasukan na naman?

SUPT.: Ito, inaayos namin ng mga supervisors at principals ko ang K-12.

MAX: K-12 madam? Kelan pa pinasukan ng Dep Ed ang mga aso? Akala ko pagtuturo sa mga bata ang pangunahing layunin at inaatupag ng Dep Ed?

SUPT.: Ikaw talaga Max! Hindi K-12 iyong ibig mong sabihin K-9 iyon! Iyan ang ginagamit ng PSG (Presidential Security Group) na aso na muntik ng makagat ang reporters na si Atong, Ronnel, at Harold dahil wala silang presidential media coverage I.D noong dumating dito si President Aquino.

Ipagpaumanhin po ninyo ang anecdote ko sa the late Max (Ilokanong magaling mag Bisaya na katsukaran ko) dahil naala-ala ko ang laughing value ng napanu-od ko na Miss Gay sa YouTube sa pelikulang Bekikang na ni direct ng mahusay na kababayan kong Ilonggong Director na  beki rin na si Wen Deramas (I seldom watch Filipino flicks Direk since ang cable-TV namin may diperensiya kaya puro Russian shows ang lumalabas) na kung saan ang style ng kanyang mga box office hits could be likened to the bastardized Scary Movies, Naked Guns and Gods Must be Crazy.

HOST IN THE MISS GAY: Experts said if the Filipinos want to be globally competitive the government should introduce K-12 to its education system. What’s your STAND on K-12?

BADING (na kamukha ni Barok sa Hiwaga Komik na sobrang nerbiyos kasi nose-bleed English ang tanong): What’s my stand? I don’t want to stand, I want to sit! I don’t like K-2 nor K-12, what I liked is K-9 Dog Style. Thank you!

K-9 Dog and a tot

Diyos Mio, nag riot po ang mga ta-o sapalakpakan at pag indak ng kanilang pa-a dahil sa galing ng Bading na kamukha nila Flintstones.

***

By the way, bago pala ako makapasok sa division Office ng DepEd, pinilit pa ako ng the Late Max hindi dahil sa late ako kung hindi dahil  galit nag alit sa akin ang mga big wigs doon.

“Halika ka na Mortz, pumasok ka na sa loob. Gusto ka daw makausap ni madam at ni sir (Assistant Superintendent).

Noong nasa loob na ako nangi-nginig sa galit si Superintendent at Assistant Superintendent sa akin.

SUPT: Bakit mo kami binibira dito sa DepEd? Baka gusto mong ma libel case ulit?

ASST. SUPT: Oo, ide-demanda ka namin ng libel. Bakit mo sinasabi sa column at nababasa sa internet ng mga kamag anak at kaibigan ko sa abroad na bading ako?

MORTZ: Sir huwag naman kayo magalit sa akin. Pinasasabi lang ni Mr. X na kasama ninyong supervisor na magkasama daw kayong nanghahabol ng mga lalaki sa plaza pag gabi.

Tuwang tuwa ang matabang matron- looking na madam sa sinabi kung katotohanan dahil hindi siya makapaniwala na ang matipunong assistant niya ay isang miyembro pala ng FMLP o Federasyon ng Mang-aagaw ng Lakas sa Pilipinas pag sumapit na ang gabi lalo na pag maliwanag ang buwan.
***
BEAUTY IS NOT EVERYTHING. May Maganda, pero iba ang May Ganda na May Talino pa. Tingnan niyo itong sagot ni TV host Grace Lee versus Actress Lea Navarro.
LEA NAVARRO: So how many of those people who dissed the President's absence from Villamor (Air Base) were actually there to condole?
GRACE LEE: "There is only one head of the state. Only one commander in chief! You CANNOT compare the value of his presence to the presence of any ordinary citizen then use it against them when they voice out their frustration and anger!"
 TINGNAN NIYO RIN ANG SAGOT NI MISS BURKINA FASO AFRICA sa kay Manny Pacquiao last year sa Miss Globe sa dampa sa Republic of Guyana:
MANNY PACQUIAO: If you learned that your boyfriend has AIDS, what will you do?
MISS BURKINA FASO: I will still love him (strong rounds of applause from the touched and impressed spectators)... because AGE doesn’t matter! (Paktay ang korona, humirit pa !)

(Send comments to totomortz@yahoo.com)